If Only.....

I was obsessed with Wonder Woman as a  4/5 year old child, so much so I walked around in red wellies, blue pants (with cardboard gold stars on) and a red vest. A fantastic outfit my mum had cobbled together, she even made me a gold cardboard headband, I stomped about in my wonder woman garb like nothing could defeat me. ( first child syndrome possibly or something :)

I really want to see the new Wonder Woman film to see whether the film has the same magic Lynda Carter had for me. It is great to know it was directed by a woman.

Trouble is as you get older you realise that some things even Lynda Carter can't sort out, I am desperately trying to channel her, polishing my wristbands, practicing my lassoo etc.....

We are all born with this assumption we will live forever, it is strange but necessary, even with a rational mind your very being is programmed to assume you are going to live no matter what.

I am so scared about having chemo, daily until it stops working, it just doesn't sound right, I have been looking at going abroad, at different scenarios, trials everything to avoid the conveyor belt of chemo that is prescribed until the cancer mutates so much there is no more chemicals left to fight it. I have managed to get on a trial at the royal marsden but I have a 10% chance of having the correct mutations in my cancer for it to be treated with new therapies, meanwhile i am not being treated with anything except a list of natural supplements I have managed to draw out of my Lynda Carter style velvet kitbag  such as turmeric, oxygen based cellfood drops various oils etc etc broccoli sprouts etc etc ..... The hospital offered to get me on Capecitabine but if I am going down the trial road I cant start that and it's not something you come off of once you are on so you cant try alternatives.....

I am looking at starting some oxygen therapy soon to try and help myself before I go to the Marsden.

All the time I hear the distant sound of a clock ticking and I swear I can feel every little ache and pain thinking, there it is,  growing again ( in my not so rational mind).

I am sitting here watching 'Spider Man' with all those seventies and eighties memories thinking why can't I have some super powers please, I would be really good and use them for some really good stuff as well as help my daughter grow up....as long as it would get rid of this unacceptable mutation of my own cells, which quite frankly are not quite the superhero type of mutations I once dreamt of....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nx2JdJhAL94