Scanxiety

So tomorrow I have my oncologist appointment, she will tell me the results of my CT scan. I am not as anxious as I thought I would be but I know, that tomorrow as I walk into that hospital with my mother it will become real. When I let my mind wander freely onto the path of possibilities it is quite easy to allow the anxiety to become a reality and scenarios of metastasis, options and life expectancy come gushing through like an undammed  river. All of the forums I have looked at giving mets post CT, offer radiotherapy, alternative chemo and similar, all of which I cannot have. So it is like I have jumped a few chapters in the breast cancer book of chemo not working etc to the bit where you are scrabbling around looking for trials and new treatments.

It is hard sometimes as I want to continue the hope and revel in the glory of 'looking well' and having few side effects from the chemo but sometimes I just want to wallow in negativity. Of course you want to tell people how great you feel and you are a survivor etc etc but I also want to square up to faces and say 'you have no idea what it is like'.

My ex, even though I said I will remain neutral and will resist petty snipes of ex, he has no concept of what is going on and as usual manipulates those around him saying how 'well' I am and why he shouldn't have to have our daughter any more than usual. I guess everyone just thinks it is cancer and people can live longer healthy lives with secondaries and I 'look' alright.  I just want to be normal and go back to the 'old' life, being at uni, studying for a career, not some person surviving on benefits, with worrying indigestion having to justify myself to my ex, struggling to get to the top of the stairs sometimes like an elderly woman in her 80's......but then I have to remember, in the guardian there was an article regarding an elderly couple in their 80's that went to the nightclub Fabric and partied until 5 am. I need to remember this when I am struggling up the stairs to my daughters room........

Like my macmillan nurse Clare says 'it's all about up here' as she points to her head. It really is, that is the hardest part and this is what people don't see.

I have hope for tomorrow and the results but then I know if things don;t go to plan and the cancer is persistently aggresive, it will be a very fast process of deciding options. I look wistfully at the care plan the Hospice in the Weald gave me, where you have to decide how things are going to pan out. I will resist putting pen to paper just yet.

 I must get up now, my daughter and I are snuggled in bed she is playing on my phone, perhaps I should not post the negative stuff and should just post pictures of me 'kicking cancers butt' etc etc or perhaps I should not talk about it at all as when you read in the press of celebrities dying of cancer suddenly, the image is painted of stoicism being linked with keeping things private they 'didn't want a fuss', that's very british isn't it? It makes me feel guilty for being open about how I feel and how cancer effects me I don't care if it's weak I don't care if it is seen as attention seeking, it is a big deal, it really is and sometimes it is hard to be brave.