Because I can.....

Looking at this picture I think to myself I must get me a long blonde wig. It has been a while since my last blog post, only because it has been the everyday mundane run of the mill attempting to 'have a normal life' kind of time, and busy sorting the garden out. It was my birthday on bank holiday weekend, I had a schedule of plans that I wanted to do. We stayed in a lovely hotel in Rye, drank too much, ate lobster and steak and tottered back, the next day I realised perhaps I can't do that kind of stuff regularly. The birthday had brought nice things and nice people mostly family but it had also bought abit of the duldrums, I had them on my 40th and now they were magnified, so we just sat on winchelsea beach and ate scampi and chips in the sun, that was good enough for me. On Sunday we went for a gorgeous walk on May day we walked four miles in Trosley National Park, wlaking up part of the North Downs nearly killed me I told my friend he was lucky I didn't vomit on his shoes from exersion!! Lol. My 8 year old walked 3 of the miles, the rest were shoulder carries. It is amazing she did that, she is not a child that is out biking or swimming or tennising every 5 minutes she just wants to write books about horses and comics and play minecraft. Between her father and I we managed to get her bike riding (mostly her father) so I am itching to get her out more to Bedgebury, I really don't want her to be a couch potatoe, but her sensory processing has been confirmed by an OT to be needing some assistance and so I have to try and get her out despite the fact she finds it overwhelming. I have a very important report that confirms my concerns regarding my daughter so it will be a big year of trying to compensate for the challenges she faces at school as well as her mother having cancer.

Tuesday I attended my first secondary cancer support group, a group of amazingly lovely ladies of varying ages, and at different stages. they have managed to get funding from breast cancer care to hold free pilates and yoga classes starting in June so I am looking forward to that, hoping they will creep out toTunbridge Wells as they are in Maidstone. we chatted and had a mindfulness session which was great and very relaxing, someone bought up the ridiculous radio 4 discussion on mindfulness causing psychosis and mental health problems. This was a retreat and was obviously in the wrong hands it was held at Vipasna some people have different versions of ' mindfulness', Vipasna is a non verbal retreat. real mindfulness is not complex, it is a mind focussing exercise and eases anxiety. there are loads of simple breath focussing exercises on you tube. You dont have to pay people to teach you to do it.The support group took a turn towards the end, two ladies have been preparing for the worst case scenario as the chemo has stopped working. I felt so helpless hearing their stories, one lady can't move her head because her neck has swollen from the lymph node cancer that is now not responding to chemo, I just felt that this was 'unacceptable' I refused to accept that there were no more options for her, I wanted to throw the viral therapy options in Latvia at her, The Mexican clinic, all the intense diets....something could happen, it doesn't compute that the problem cant be solved. She has kids and a husband, and is about my age maybe younger actually. Another slap in the face and a score for cancer, and another innocent woman that no longer has control on her body or life with the laws in this country as they are. I am going to try and get her email the meets are only once a month...there must be something ......something that can help.

I had my 8th chemo today, I feel very tired, I was knocked out I fell into a deep sleep at the hospital they had to wake me up. I definately feel more effects as time goes on, lethargy more intense, liver pain, indigestion, hope tomorrow my energy returns with the steroid boost.

On the positive I have been looking at my blood results and they are good, white count normal, platelets great, everything great, apart from my red blood count so I am getting some B6 and B12 in the form of Feroglobin again to try and get an increase in the RBC's I checked up aspartate transamin it was 36 and elevated last week.....I increased my turmeric intake due to liver pain and have since found out that this serum is released from the liver due to damage and coincidently the AT went down to 21 this week. I love checking up on my bloods it makes me feel like I have control and can steer things with my bulging supplement cupboard. It could all be in my head but it keeps me busy, I have even ordered some blood checking home strips to check liver.

With the lady with lymph node cancer in mind she said it came suddenly everything was good last year, bloods fab, feeling good no mets......., we are so close to a cure, so close....so close.... and funding for breast cancer has never been so good possibly due to pressure from outside the UK as more research goes on elsewhere with less restrictions on what can be trialed safely on humans. In the meantime if you want to do something whatever it maybe, do it....because you can.....I nearly jumped on a bouncy castle at the hop farm there was one other child on there and I stupidly restrained myself from leaping about on it with her....do it.....