The Battle of the Buddhists

The tattoo saga continues..............so I basically made an order for a Sak Yant tattoo for protection as designed by a genuine buddhist monk  (yeeeeessss i know....I am a mug......) the company who organises this is based in the Netherlands....(of course where else would they be....)  Here is their site http://www.thaitattoo.nl/indexeuropa.htm. Now in my ignorance and sheer desperation to be protected I didn't notice the lack of contact details and general assurance regarding the trustworthiness of the company providing this very buddhist compassionate and protective tattoo, being interested in buddhist philosophy myself I went with the whole buddhisty trust thing which to me is like an unwritten contract.....silly me.

Having parted with my money....I waited .......and waited.......finally I email to find out what has happened to my design, an email came with tracking information, with a despatch company that has no contact details....hmmmm....when I saw that the design had supposedly been delivered on the tracking info, I contacted the company by email to explain that it hadn't been. I was met with an onslaught of very grumpy abuse accusing me of trying to con them out of a design !! I actually was aghast, particularly as the whole ethos of this is buddhist and yet the company was showing no buddhist philosophy in their dealings whatsoever.........

There was nothing else for it, I had to play the cancer card and hope that they would see the error of their ways. I also raised a dispute with paypal as fortunately I paid through them. 

A very apologetic email came through and offer of a refund and free protective yant.....if I cancel the dispute on paypal as apparently the company can't refund me unless I cancel the dispute........eeerrrr no, this is not correct and on investigation paypal suggest you wait until the refund has gone into your account before cancelling any disputes. There should be no problems refunding on an open dispute. 

I am sad about this, I can be accused of rose tinted specs I guess, but it is still very disappointing when you come across businesses that thrive on peoples hope and rely on that to make a buck. i can only hope that Karma reimburses them. So I sent them loving balls of light and an email, and just hope that if my Yant does arrive it doesn't include some hideous curse!!

Ooommmmmmmm

Whats Good Enough for MJ (and some useful links)

Yesterday I had my port fitted, typical me I knew it was a procedure but hadn't read up on it or contemplated that it might involve a wee bit of sedation....turned out it was actually a minor op and luckily my lovely man friend P drove me and took care of me. The surgeon was such a great chap and told me not to worry as they were going to give me some mighty fine drugs, a drug infact that Michael Jackson had on a daily basis Propofol, it was administered to him by some medical clerk or something that would not be allowed in this country as it is not to be used outside of a hospital environment. I tell you what.......I am not surprised he moon walked everywhere, infact I admire him, I could barely stand up afterwards I had to be wheeled out of theatre in a wheel chair . The port that was inserted into my chest means that I do not have to obliterate my veins with chemo on a weekly basis and instead have a little rubber dome under my skin that is connected to an artery near the heart that pumps it round my body in an efficient manner. Clever......... science does it again. Considering when I was a child I had a massive dangly pair of pipes hanging out of my body which had to be flushed and cleaned regularly I looked like a kind of cow hybrid, the under skin dome is much more practical and doesn't have to be cleaned every 5 minutes.

So after my port I gathered more organic produce from waitrose (spent too much of what I cant afford) along with organic seeds for my raised vegetable beds in the garden, my brothers and I have been clearing it and levelling the end by the river I can't wait to get going with it and will be filling the windows in the house with seedlings this weekend. :). 

Today was spent making Granola and preparing meals. Taking it easy but trying to get out and about.

 I have decided to try and do some Qi Gong in the mornings in order to get the old joints lubricated, this is supposed to help cancer patients apparently. they hold sessions at the Pickering Centre but I cant make the day as it is chemo day, so I am you tubing some workouts here is one.........: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzD4svzG9js.

Also while I think about it here is a link to some interesting information and personal research on cancer and maintaining health during treatment as well as preventative measures: http://www.davidpassmore.co.uk/dealing-with-my-cancer/4570639394

 I think after my rude health this week a bottle of prosecco is in order tomorrow. 

The steroids are wearing off this evening bye bye housework......and relax

GIVE ME MY TATTOOOOOO

RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

This is how I feel right now, despite copious crystal charging and chakra cleansing at reflexology today. I was very much pinning my hopes on having my tattoo in my grubby mitts by now, i am sincerely hoping I haven't been conned as the delivery company doesn't seem to have a contact number and pessimism has suddenly taken me over and removed the rose tinted 'Aaaaawww my own Sak Yant designed by a real life buddhist monk' specs. Silly silly me, but not surprising at all, I am a sucker for this kind of stuff. I just hope my pessimism is misplaced and my protective tatt is winging it's way....I just hope the Thai script doesn't actually mean 'your bum stinks and you look like a warthog' or something equally of amusement to my daughter.

Anyway, so, I am BALD !! ish....shaved bonce.

I channeled my inner punky Sigourny Weaver, my daughter just laughed at my baldness, I actually wanted to keep the mohican and invest in some patent purple 18 hole DM's and really get into the punk vibe I would love it, it conjured up the rebellious streak and freedom of expression you get when you are 18 just discovering what makes you tick and pushing the boundaries, not caring what people think and having impromptu adventures. I had secretly worn a Sigourney style vest top under my top to remind me to get into the 'alien' bashing ethos, (alien, obviously being cancer, and yes....well you see where I was going....bit lame/crass....I liked it though :) it was liberating. I reckon I could just about don a combat miniskirt and stomp about town throwing wildflower seed balls at people for them to plant......A punk eco warrior that's what I could be 'Plant wild seeds for the bee's you bloody bastards and stop using plastic stuff, save the planet rrrrrraaaaaaaa' It is all in my head....instead I will very quietly wear my wig under my hat and carry on as normal......or will I? ooooh too tempting to be bald and eccentric........

Turmeric is where it's at

My hands are bright yellow and stained with freshly grated Turmeric, vegetables are strewn across the kitchen, ginger roots everywhere, apples tower in the fruit bowl, the pears still with their leaves are scattered across the worktop, all these organic morsels are supposedly going to cure cancer or work with my treatment (Paclitaxel) the apples are particularly good for Taxol....(apparently) I have also stumbled across some very bold claims on cancer curing diets here's one http://www.life-saving-naturalcures-and-naturalremedies.com/natural-cancer-cure-tumeric-ginger-cinnamon-MSM-honey.html  

I feel I have become my own project, my brain still in Uni mode and in sheer desperation to hold on to my life with my daughter, but I feel guilt as my obsession in my new found life saving project has taken over and I feel I am not giving my daughter the time she deserves.

So far the treatment I had went ok, I have had no anti-sickness drugs, just steroids. I feel abit tired and if I do lots of stuff I have to sit down for a while, usually cuddled up to P while she plays on minecraft. I am determind to pull myself together though and get outside this weekend and do things and feel normalish albeit with a bald head.....the head shave is on for Saturday....high tea afterwards....I just want to make that leap before the treatment does it for me (*Control Freak Alert*).

I have been overwhelmed since my chemo started at the sheer generosity shown by the local people in the village where I live as well as other friends from all over, I have been finding things on my doorstep, in the post, on the computer screen messages of love and humour and warmth, offers of help. Someone sent me a bracelet and I don't know who it's from!! aarrgh. I am trying to keep up with thankyou cards. It makes me want to cry with gratitude at the wonderful beauty of human beings in times of crisis or hardship, how we want to help each other, be there for people, be a prop, a beacon of hope. Some people choose not to acknowledge, maybe even find it makes them angry perhaps? or turn the other way on the street, I understand that too. I chose to be open about my illness where some keep it private. I am open that is who I am, I maybe quiet, I am not the life and soul of any party, but I am honest, and open with my daughter too. She has talked about nothing else but cancer at school, it has become a big part of both our lives, I am worried that she talks too much about it, or maybe I do? I guess it disappears into the background the more we get used to it? I don't know....

I still find it hard to get my head round where I am with this, I feel ok at the moment I know my immune system has probably gone down and every now and then I get a twinge of nausea. But essentially everything is as it was, I am me as I always am, but I remind myself to really live and do all I can to ensure I can...(this is where the raw turmeric comes in)...I have made a pact to do fun stuff I have booked tickets for a stand up comic in Brighton and am looking forward to some yoga nidre in a couple of weeks. Depending on how the next few weeks go I may promote myself from walker to jogger...I have a feeling that tiredness may become a more intense feature though but I have hope. I am guaging my health on my ability to throw some dance moves in the kitchen, I managed a great routine to earth wind and fire this morning yesterday was 'Uptown funk'  which was truly something to behold, I put my all into it. Funk seems to be doing it for me at the moment. Earth wind and fire resulted in me having to have a little sit down for 10 mins to revive myself though this morning so from 'Uptown Funks' 10 out of 10 I reckon EW and F had gone down to a 7.......on the funk ometer. P and I managed to get down to some folk last night though, which mostly involved jumping up and down.

This is my new normal, my new project, thinking more about what's important, while I miss the constant work of my old life in the final year of studying Education and Wellbeing at the IOE, my priorities have changed, health,family, love and friendships in no particular order (although the health one is sort of on my mind ALOT)....

We have lift off

Today is the day.......slept surprisingly well, it must of been the reflexology and nail painting yesterday,calming the mind in preparation. Miki, my soon to be regular reflexologist was interested in the fact I carried around my healing crystals since my diagnosis, it was a beautiful sunny day yesterday and she told me to wash and 'charge' them on a window sill in the sun. I guess it is the equivalent of a mobile phone charger for 'vibes man'. She was brilliant and told me tales of the country where she is from, Japan. A place I have always wanted to go. She could tell from my feet that I had been a runner and said that it was a good thing....well I will take that, anything 'good' is double good for me right now.

Alas my crystals remain 'uncharged' and it is raining cats and dogs today, BUT, my tattoo design is imminent, the arrival is due between 9 and 10 today. Hooray!!

My darling girl has been so worried, it has broken my heart  her concern for me, but I have to say her teacher has been great, not to mention the school mums who are helping with pick ups and drop off' s with a rota in place implemented by a dear lady obsessed by spreadsheets :). I feel so grateful to every single person who is helping me right now, it's amazing the difference it makes to one's stoicism when faced with the prospect of having a hideous amount of toxic chemicals pumped into my weasley little body. I have my lovely chemo buddy coming with me who is switched on and will be my brain if I go to jelly and forget my name and date of birth.....

So onwards upwards....let the cat see the mouse.....may the force be with me ...........and I shall indeed kick bum and all that.

om. peace and do the fandango,.......

The Countdown Begins

The countdown begins........today I am going to have my blood taken to check my health before the toxic chemicals are administered on Tuesday next week to fend off any impending doom. I am slightly concerned as my throat is feeling a little sore despite the copious amounts of vitamin C and other immune boosting malarkey I am feeding myself. My daughters father has the flu and it seems that everywhere I go somebody is coughing or sniffing. I have become a paranoid wreck, concerned that my treatment will be postponed due to some annoying bug. It has taken months to get to this point, from August 2015 until now....pleeeease let it be alright!

On the positive side of things my daughter copied a friends thoughtful boyfriend and left a note on the toilet for me saying 'enjoy your poo I love you'....this made me smile immensely and reminded me she is so strong and thoughtful and just such a character.

Positive number 2 - (no pun intended)......My Buddhist Yant script for my new tattoo has been sent!! Woo hoo. So I am aiming to get this done after this chemo course and have provisionally booked it for my birthday in April. I am keeping everything crossed that I can get this crucial bit of mind sorting artistic self mutilation done asap.

Positive number 3 - I have booked my ceremonial head shave for Saturday 5th, no chemo is taking my barnet!!!, I decided to not even let one measly little hair fall out of my tiny follicles, due to chemo it will be gone before it gets chance HA. My friend is coming with me and  has promised cake as a consolation for lack of hair. I have a great new wig too and am going to 'own it giiiirlfriend'  (*does fast american finger snapping thing). There is much internal debate for me as to which is the best 'cancer' look to rock. I met an amazing lady a couple of days ago who has kept her BC secret and you would never know she had it, she wears the wig all the time when she is out. Up until meeting her I have had friends who have rocked the bald and have looked great and have owned the whole experience for the whole world to see. As with everything it's an individual 'journey' (sorry for those of you who don't like that word). So I am going to go with the flow and see how I feel, I know that if I go out I will want to dress up and look and do the whole hair and make up thing and other times I will want to proudly wear my bald.

Positive number 4- Monday my friend is going to do my nails for me to try and stop them from falling off during chemo then I am going to have reflexology and counselling at the Pickering Cancer centre so by the time Tuesday comes my nails and my chakras will all be poised and ready for serene battle. Another friend has kindly said she will be my chemo buddy on Tuesday as my mum will have to pick P up from school. So already I feel supported and like I know where I am heading.

4 more days........of no chemo, no treatment........before it all kicks off, the onslaught, but by jove, I am totally going to be ready for it...with a little help from my friends.

Follow The Yellow Brick Road

Little twinges in the head, aches in the hip, little flickers of something in my leg..........niggle niggle niggle.....wonder wonder wonder...has it spread? even more? in the countdown to chemo? has it gone to my brain, my back aaaaarrrrgh. My favouritist childhood film ever popped into my head in the early hours of the morning, and my little twinges reminded me of the 'tin man'. a little squeak here a little squeak there. I have come off the HRT that I have been on since 2007, as my cancer is oestrogen positive. So a complete stop to that has been implemented!! Pure primrose oil, to prevent the squeaking from now on...so I am thinking with a practical none panic stricken head on, that my body is screaming 'What the hell woman!! what you doing to me creaky old bones' and this could explain the creaks and pains. My cupboard looks like an outlet of Holland and Barrett.

 I even had my chakra's cleansed the other day through reflexology. My goodness that is amazing stuff!! I have never had it before and I was astounded at the results. I went after a very healthy breakfast of porridge and bannana and some highly immune boosting purple fruit powder stuff. So i got to my reflexology appointment very full and ready for some chakra action. The reflexologist started on my most cancerous side (lovely) and did some rubby stufff which felt devine....and then my stomach wouldn't stop gurgling....how embarrassing!! she smiled and said 'that's great, thats your lymphatic system, can you hear it gurgling away, I am clearing the toxins from it, you are responding really well!' .

Well I was amazed!! I had about an hour of this, she cleared my solar plexus and my sacrum dontcha know, and I could feel it!! I booked myself in for next week for a final immune boost before the chemo. I am going to be floating on a cloud of clarity by the end of next week! I am hoping my daughters cold is not going to go downhill into the temperature zone. She was very ill a few weeks back, I got it too. I can't be risking this before the chemo, they wont give it to me if I am ill. Poor lamb I am shoveling vitamins into her too.....I also look so poncy, I have this antibacterial room spray that I spritz around like an obsessive compulsive neurotic mad woman! You will be decontaminated if you step on the threshold of my house lol!! there will be no chakra bothering round here.