Holding back the red mist

I am trying my best to be a kind human being. I think I am mourning my old life to be honest and I find myself taking it out on innocent people, old friends. Some of which just do not know how to communicate with me. I contacted an old friend recently on Facebook who would always open her heart to me and we would have honest chats. I began to talk about my health and concerns for the future and she just didn't reply...infact she deleted her profile on facebook so that I couldn't contact her. I spoke to another old friend on the phone who had phoned me, a mutual friend was in the UK. Never once did they ask how I was, what my health was doing at the moment, despite the fact they know I am ill. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt, and I am sure I am just as bad at keeping in contact and asking about others, perhaps I am being too self centred, but I feel like I am allowed to have a bit of a free reign regarding wallowing in my own self pity right now. I am lucky I have new friends and wholesome honest people in my life and some strong old friends who still manage to put up with me and treat me like a normal human being not some kind of time bomb waiting to go off in their faces.

Some women I know have even been diagnosed with breast cancer in the past and know that I have breast cancer but they have not once contacted me to see how I am or to offer their experience, when they were having a tough time I dropped cards to their house all those years ago. I guess I am just not 'required' in their life, or do not frequent the correct social circles, attended the right school or class system (yes it does exist I see evidence of it everyday), I guess we all have those that we are drawn to but still it still leaves a bitter taste. I told the old friend I was on the phone to that we should really meet soon, they could have met me that night if they wanted to but they just agreed and said they were heading in to town at that point in time to see the same old faces they always see, they know what I am getting at, but, their life is either too busy or they just don't know what to do or say.  I have chatted to some ladies on the secondary breast cancer forum and it seems it is sadly so common for us, infact it has been a very busy thread!!, people shun us, whether intentional or not, I just don't get it! it doesn't compute with me, I find I want to help and talk to total strangers when I meet them and they tell me their problem or diagnosis, I wouldn't dream of running a mile. Speaking to others about it certainly helps me realise it isn't just me and it is a phenomena, however it also shows me how I could have made more of an effort with some people in the past and perhaps that is why they have chosen not to get 'involved' with my current health or listen to me whining on now, perhaps they think that boat sailed years ago when I had my chance.....I think I am just thinking too much. So many components to the experience of cancer I guess I just have to cut off those little bothersome attachments to what I think should happen and just accept my current path and those lovely people who are with me on it and offer genuine love and support as well as those yet to come into my life. I am lucky to have those people with me on this journey and that is the main thing and I am genuinely thankful for that....