Fed Up

I have had enough. It's crazy, having read other blogs relating to cancer I felt there was a theme, a time frame, when the depression set in and the 'fed up' just oozed out like a 1950's horror movie, blobbing, and flowing a black glossy mass of feeeeeeed uuuuuupness. I feel I am there and that time has come.

It's been going on a while now, this new reality or new 'normal' I have met it  after the initial shock as anyone would, but I am bored now I  go every week through the same routine blood tests, chemo school run, blood tests, chemo school runs....and so it goes on, I want my hair back, I want my life back, I want, I want I want (what is wrong with this attitude?).....

My daughter has Autism, she is on the autistic spectrum, ASD, aspergers, whatever you want to call it. it is amazing how people get funny when you try and put it out there like you are a bad parent for drawing attention to it, like it is something that should be just 'accepted' by society, IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY. It's not about labelling it is about providing care instructions, giving the child coping strategies, to be aware of their own struggles in an  environment within which my child can progress for the future and have support in secondary education when teenage mental illness is linked to failings to recognize the needs of autistic children in primary years particularly in girls, who can be more emotionally vulnerable in this transitional time and who can, as most ASD children can suffer from low self esteem as the innocent primary years make way for teenage anxt and competitive friendships and peer pressure.




I want to run away.......far far from here, where unicorns gallop and fly, and rainbows lead the way to a happy adventure, where my daughter and I don't have to fight, cliche as it sounds but that is all i seem to do, or have to do, it is a MASSIVE cliche, fighting, battling, school, ex.....although my ex is a decent sort and it is very amicable I am very lucky, anger and the bitterness of holding on to the past is never a good thing, as a buddhist quotation suggests holding onto anger is like holding a hot coal in your hand with the intent of throwing it at someone else, the only person you are hurting is yourself.....I need to remember this as right now I am looking at the head teacher of my daughters school and my hand has disappeared as the coals burn their way up my arm......I am monumentally fed up.

Stupid bloody 'new' normal, I didn't ask for a 'new' normal, I was quite happy with the 'old' normal....can someone rescue me please, so I can have a night off of fixing a broken sink as well as myself and my daughter.

Please? Are you there in you shining armour? ........or is that un pc.....