a-ha - Take On Me [ Live From MTV Unplugged, Giske / 2017 ]

Another lady from my supportive secondary breast cancer group is dying. She is in a hospice now, it has been a long process for her, of feeling ill, not being able to eat and having drains put in her nose to relieve the fluid build up from liver ascites.

I wish i could say everything has been done but it hasnt. She went two months with bowel symptoms before she was even given a scan. This makes me very angry and i hold the tory government entirely responsible for slowly removing funds. They have alot of blood on their hands.

I wish i could say that her death is dignified but i dont believe it is.

With the drugs available the law has got to change for those suffering with terminal cancer, it is just simply not humane to allow a slow death to happen if the patient has had enough. I have to say with respect to my friend i would not want my family to witness my slow decline like that.

Someone has to do something. All i can do for her is meditate and try and send her peace and an end to her suffering.

Death, Death, Deathy Death

A great Article  a friend posted on facebook

https://motherofalllists.com/2018/04/20/what-death-has-taught-me/

Every Little Thing.....

Everything She does is Magic (re written!).

Every little pain she has is cancer
Every little ache there's something wrong
Even though my life before was magic
I just have to carry on

Do I have to tell the story
A thousand scans since we met
The beast is always lurking
With a constant ghastly threat

Every little pain she has is cancer
Every little ache there's something wrong
Even though my life before was magic
I just have to carry on

I resolved to ruminate on this, a thousand times a day

and pray that I can sort this out in some new fangled way

But my silent fears have gripped me, before i reach the door

and once again I ruminate, yes, there's always time for more

Every little pain she has is cancer
Every little ache there's something wrong
Even though my life before was magic
I just have to carry on

Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah 
Every little thing, every little thing, every little thing, every little thing 
Every little, every little, every little, every little thing 

Chemoooo, chemooooo,  chemo chemo chemo chemo

Buddhist perspective on death

A video for your pleasure if you have a spare hour it is interesting to listen to, I could listen to buddhist monks all day long talking with their wisdom and experience, always in an uncomplicated compassionate and often light hearted way. Having returned from a 3 day Buddha Amatayus retreat. I have been immersed in intense meditation and prayer solidly, interspersed with indepth conversations with like minded people, and the imparting of wisdom from bodhisattva beings, young and old, nuns to drug addicts. I have come back feeling free and feeling the warm buddhist arms surrounding me, a nun approached me regarding my health, she took my name and told me that it would go around all of the temples in the kadampa tradition and that the monks would develop 'powa' through meditation for me, if you are interested in Powa and bodhicitta and creating Darma you would need to read about it as I would be no good at explaining or go on you tube and listen to monks talk about it. I was extremely humbled to say the least as she then proceeded to thrust an organic chocolate bar in my hand for the journey home!  There are links between science and buddhism regarding death and to be honest if you really want to get into it quantum mechanics, energy waves atoms and all that malarkey. Death is part of life and this is a big part of the buddhist philosophy so here is a very honest video from an experienced monk (I am sure there are many, some with the Dalai Lama on youtube)  but I think this guys experience is quite beautiful. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZZupDuprhU

New Drug Possibilities Perhaps?

Oooooooh have found an article on a new treatment drug

JPC11..........apparently can be used with  possibly aspirin??? and is a nettle derivative.
http://emjreviews.com/news-updates/a-natural-substance-could-provide-novel-cancer-treatment/

Something to pop in the brain bank for future reference perhaps........fingers crossed it won't be a first point treatment...

Simples

Latvia happened, although no great revelations occured. Rigvir costs £6,000 to start, no great evidence of success, it's a treatment with no guarantee's with no real data from the clinic to support the fact it will do anything, however there have been success stories but, alas it did not to quote a friends phrase ' blow my skirt up' TBH I am angry that I spent alot of money going there and getting a treatment plan, however the time spent with my family there was very enjoyable and precious.

So here I am on Capecitabine for the rest of my life. If it stops working perhaps I will look at Rigvir again, in desperation during a rest between treatments perhaps.

The data from my CT scan reports confirm that I am responding to Cape and the cancer is shrinking, but we all know the nature of cancer and it's hatred for chemicals and the potential to mutate to continue on it's mission to take over my body (which is why I am sure new wonder cancer drugs are for 1st use only), so I have to live, day to day, wondering again,  and trying not to contemplate my mortality on a daily basis. I have to live simply, but amazingly, trying to avoid edging my way to the scrap heap in a mass of mutated cells, .

 I have to grasp every moment especially with my daughter. I have to be practical too, and sensible.

The inner me wants to run away as usual carrying my daughter with me and disappearing in our caravan on an adventure into the wilderness, to make things out of sticks and paint our faces with biodegradeable glitter and forget about cancer.

I have a new friend, who surfs, and so thermal wetsuit in hand and a mad inclination to get in the brine and make a complete idiot of myself trying to stand up on some fibreglass plank twice the size of me, I embrace the need for experiences of the nature kind once again and for feeling like I am a human and not a cancer victim. So I am also off to see the northern lights and then to Madeira for some sun in the springtime. Magnificent planet and universe I love you.

I have been watching a box set on iplayer called 'Hard Sun' I can recommend it, it is a pre apocalyptic drama where earth has 5 years to survive ( I can see you rolling your eyes) the end is due to the sun sending out some deathly solar wind. WELCOME TO MY WORLD PEOPLE!! My solar wind is of the cancer kind, like millions of other people. I am thankful that I am still breathing still able......I have to stop questioning in my head, (what will it be like, will it hurt, will my family see awful stuff, will i struggle to breathe, how long have I got....etc etc ) and just get on with it. I am just hopeful that we can get rid of this current government before they destroy the NHS and millions of lives with it. The Tories could be the solar wind of our country reaching out with it's spindly death ray. I have nothing but contempt for those foolish enough not to see what is happening there and who continue to vote for this car crash of a society believing that 'I am alright jack' will protect them....foolish beliefs.....a private healthcare system governed by profit will reduce quality and put peoples lives at risk. I was happily offered immunotherapy in America to the tune of £30,000. Turns out immunotherapy would put my life at risk due to the bone marrow transplant I had as a child. But when you are talking lots of money, the so called professionals don't tell you that, or don't investigate the risks to you as an individual, you are paying for a package, like a holiday, it is down to you to take out the insurance that covers their arses....

But for now.......(and breathe), I am surfing the waves of my mind to try and come to terms with my mortality. As confucious also said we have two lives, and we only start living the second when we realise we have one...........True Dat.