Final Instalments

It may sound trite, and a little presumptuous, but given my current ill health I need to clarify some important points of my blog during an interlude of lucidity. My Oncologist has told me to get my affairs in order, ( which I did months ago). They also told me that any treatment I have now is unlikely to work, but I have gone a head with the trial until my health prevents me. I went up to London to participate but it took all my energy and I have struggled with sickness and weightloss.

I want to reassure the readers of my blog that I am so grateful for the NHS and that while I slate the system and some of the restrictions imposed by the PCT's we are still very lucky as a country to have this oppoprtunity for free healthcare and I for one would have been gone years ago if it wasnt for the new treatments I was given as a child. So thank you NHS. You saved my bacon for many years and allowed me to have the beautiful daughter I have today.

It is apparent however that I am now coming to the end of my cancer journey, talk of syringe drivers and daily district nurses are all leading to the final outcome. I am struggling to be mobile now and am very weak, the sickness has been unbearable with very little relief, stripping me of my dignity and the ability to interect with people. This morning on this winter solstice I have awoke with some strength and have not yet been sick.

My gratitude to the friends and family that surround me like a cushioned circle of love right now is what keeps me going. My mother has been constantly by my side and the love I feel for her and my family unfolds like the ever expanding universe, I couldn,t do this last bit without them.

My Daughter is with her father most days as I have been too poorly and not really lucid she would have found it distressing.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude for my life and those in it, for the beautiful world we live in and hope we all do everything we physically can for this beautiful planet. I beg to my reaaders to do all that they can for this precious earth.
Gratitude for my beautiful loving family who inspire me everyday to be a better person and to value who I am and to be kind to others. As well as those steadfast friends that I have that follow me round with a safety net waiting to catch me.

Finally I am glad to have found solace in the teachings of Buddha too, just saying his name or seeing a picture brings me calm and serenity and perspective. I relise we do not need a symbol to manifest our own spirituality but for me Buddha embodies all that I feel is important and to him I am also very grateful. Love and acceptance is the answer to everything for me at the moment. It may change daily.


 I am now going to sip a drink from the gods, known as, flat diet coke with ice, I dream about times like these, these days, the cool cokey taste, a pleasure I never thought possible.