Latvia happened, although no great revelations occured. Rigvir costs £6,000 to start, no great evidence of success, it's a treatment with no guarantee's with no real data from the clinic to support the fact it will do anything, however there have been success stories but, alas it did not to quote a friends phrase ' blow my skirt up' TBH I am angry that I spent alot of money going there and getting a treatment plan, however the time spent with my family there was very enjoyable and precious.
So here I am on Capecitabine for the rest of my life. If it stops working perhaps I will look at Rigvir again, in desperation during a rest between treatments perhaps.
The data from my CT scan reports confirm that I am responding to Cape and the cancer is shrinking, but we all know the nature of cancer and it's hatred for chemicals and the potential to mutate to continue on it's mission to take over my body (which is why I am sure new wonder cancer drugs are for 1st use only), so I have to live, day to day, wondering again, and trying not to contemplate my mortality on a daily basis. I have to live simply, but amazingly, trying to avoid edging my way to the scrap heap in a mass of mutated cells, .
I have to grasp every moment especially with my daughter. I have to be practical too, and sensible.
The inner me wants to run away as usual carrying my daughter with me and disappearing in our caravan on an adventure into the wilderness, to make things out of sticks and paint our faces with biodegradeable glitter and forget about cancer.
I have a new friend, who surfs, and so thermal wetsuit in hand and a mad inclination to get in the brine and make a complete idiot of myself trying to stand up on some fibreglass plank twice the size of me, I embrace the need for experiences of the nature kind once again and for feeling like I am a human and not a cancer victim. So I am also off to see the northern lights and then to Madeira for some sun in the springtime. Magnificent planet and universe I love you.
I have been watching a box set on iplayer called 'Hard Sun' I can recommend it, it is a pre apocalyptic drama where earth has 5 years to survive ( I can see you rolling your eyes) the end is due to the sun sending out some deathly solar wind. WELCOME TO MY WORLD PEOPLE!! My solar wind is of the cancer kind, like millions of other people. I am thankful that I am still breathing still able......I have to stop questioning in my head, (what will it be like, will it hurt, will my family see awful stuff, will i struggle to breathe, how long have I got....etc etc ) and just get on with it. I am just hopeful that we can get rid of this current government before they destroy the NHS and millions of lives with it. The Tories could be the solar wind of our country reaching out with it's spindly death ray. I have nothing but contempt for those foolish enough not to see what is happening there and who continue to vote for this car crash of a society believing that 'I am alright jack' will protect them....foolish beliefs.....a private healthcare system governed by profit will reduce quality and put peoples lives at risk. I was happily offered immunotherapy in America to the tune of £30,000. Turns out immunotherapy would put my life at risk due to the bone marrow transplant I had as a child. But when you are talking lots of money, the so called professionals don't tell you that, or don't investigate the risks to you as an individual, you are paying for a package, like a holiday, it is down to you to take out the insurance that covers their arses....
But for now.......(and breathe), I am surfing the waves of my mind to try and come to terms with my mortality. As confucious also said we have two lives, and we only start living the second when we realise we have one...........True Dat.
